Braai like a boet!

Jurre, my bru! If you wanna survive at a South African braai gathering, without becoming "braai-fodder," read these survival tips, from a true Saffa.

1. "Tjops" before flops: Don't be a "chop" and forget the meat! If you rock up to a braai empty-handed, you might as well wear a sign saying, "Vlermuis-braai me!" (Bat-braai me!) – 'cause that's what you'll be.

2. "Help make the braaibroodjies": The "braaibroodjies" are sacred – treat 'em like the royal family. No squashing or poking; you gotta turn 'em like a dance move from the '80s – smooth and stylish! We want brown, crispy, cheese-melted, onions, tomato. The secret here is mayonnaise on the outsides of the bread. For goodness sakes, please only use your standard government issue loaf. Nothing fancy required.

3. Meat "klap" intelligence: If you don't know your "rump" from your "rib," you're in for a "sokkie" of trouble. Brush up on your meat knowledge, or you might end up with a faceful of "sosatie."

4. No "boerewors" amateurs: When handling the "boerewors," it's not a "Kwela" dance prop. Keep it whole – no "boerewors twirling" unless you want a "wors-tornado" on your hands. This is the centre piece of your braai.

5. "Braaivleis vuur" jinx: Don't let the vuur die – it's like "load-shedding" at a party! Keep that "vuurtjie" burning, and you'll be hailed as the "Braai Chief."

6. The "pap" enigma: Stir that "pap" like you're solving a "Sudoku" puzzle. No one likes a "pap-lump," and the spoon of judgment will be upon you!

7. "Slap" for days: Have a "slap chips" contingency plan! When the "braaibroodjies" are on, the "slap" should be ready to rock – no "slap-chips-fomo" allowed!

8. Beware of "vuvuzela" chaos: If someone starts tooting a "vuvuzela" in your ear, deploy your secret weapon – a "Potjiekos lid" for defense!

9. "Sous" showdown: Everyone's got a "sous" preference – it's like a "Highveld thunderstorm" of flavours. Just don't "drown" your meat – a hint of "smaak" is enough! Mrs Balls is never far away. Bless her soul.

10. "Braai" bonding: Above all, the braai is about "boets," "bru's," and "besties" coming together. Soak in the "lekker vibes," share a laugh, and remember – "what happens at the braai, stays at the braai!"

Now, with these ten rules under your belt, you're set to "braai and bask" in the glory of a true South African braai! Have a jol and "stay lekker," my bru!